Typical

They say a writer writes best from life, so I killed myself to see the other side; but now I’m free of time and loving death, I can’t pick up a fucking pen!

(C) D.Archer. May 2015

Uxbridge English Dictionary

The Uxbridge English Dictionary is designed to clear up misunderstandings surrounding the actual meaning of words commonly found in the English Language.

For example: PROPAGANDAto stare at an object intently.

You get the idea.

Dave.

Be Prepared

Be Prepared!

Be Prepared!

 

OK people, you know the drill, pseudo sentimentality season is almost upon us, if we all join together in fighting this non stop commercial day of heart bleating soppyness we can get through the hours and get back to being our own lonesome selves.

You have been warned!

Image Copyright D. Archer. February 2013.

The Inverted Learning Game

Do your homework upside down,
let the blood flood your brain,
not your feet on the ground.

Standing on your head in class
will confuse your teacher
but your improvement in geography
is surely bound to please her.

Tell your friends to do the same
and try the inverted learning game
stand on your heads in science and maths
but give it a miss in the swimming baths!

Don’t get carried away at mealtimes either,
eating upside down can interfere with your breathing,
You’ll choke on your sausages,
You’ll snot out baked beans,
and trying to eat custard is really obscene.

So master your talent for inverted learning
by dangling your head out of bed every morning,
your French will get better,
your German improve…
just remember to stand up
before you go to the loo!

© Copyright D. Archer October 2011

The boy with 100 teeth

“Brush you teeth”, his mother said
“or you’ll only have normal ones in your head”
Colin was scared so he kept on brushing
night and day, mouthwash; flossing.

Colin did as he was asked
and brushed his teeth as sharp as tacks
and as his teeth got so much brighter
he noticed his gums got so much wider
and instead of an old one falling out
in the corner of his mouth
a new one would sprout.

For many weeks they continued to grow
at a rate that confused his dentist so.
“Colin” he asked “do you eat snacks?”
“Oh yes” said Colin “but only dentists” he laughed.
The dentist ran his finger along tooth and gum
“Your mouth is wider than anyone!”
He counted the teeth from back to front
“97…98…99…plus one”
“Instead of your teeth falling out
it appears a new set you seem to sprout”

Colin smiled his toothy grin
his dentist paused; not sure where to begin
“Doesn’t it hurt 100 teeth?”
“not really” said Colin, “If you keep them clean”
His dentist went crazy, “you must be mad”
“Not me” said Colin, “You should see my Dad!”
and from his pocket a photograph pulled
“Five hundred teeth and one set of gums!”
“Now that’s what I call a nice set of choppers,
too many for a kid but not for a monster”
and with one bite the dentist disappeared
and Colin smiled from ear to ear.

© Copyright D. Archer October 2011

Eat your Greens

Martin picks his nose
with a pencil or his thumb
he stores the bogeys
inside his books
in case he’s peckish after lunch;

He rolls them into tiny balls
and keeps them under his tongue,
if you see him smiling at the back of the class
it must be a really big one;

He also discovered if he banged his head
that tiny bits would fall out,
and he’d scoop them up like a hamster
and store them in his mouth;

Bu the bogeys got bigger
and more chewy in texture
the more he picked
the less he could remember;
then one day he forgot his name
and he realised the bogeys
were really his brain.

Then when his wrist
went up his nostril quite easy
he suddenly felt quite pale and queasy;
so he stopped this vile habit
on the advice of his mum
and now smells his fingers
after scratching his bum.

© Copyright D. Archer October 2011

One Surprised Mathematician

On this birthday of mine
I’m the square root of 1849;
I’m a mathematician
not a poet
so I’m surprised this bit rhymes.

© Copyright D. Archer October 2011 

Dinner Time Disco

I hated games when I was at school,
the cross county torture, swimming laps in the pool;
the advanced class practising deep sea diving,
me in the shallow end barely surviving.

Doing gym in your pants or lost and found shorts
freezing cold showers and changing room taunts,
counting the number of hairs on your chest,
comparing, contrasting, the most and the best.

Strangely I played for every school team
no time for homework or so it would seem
this match at that school then back the next week
no wonder I failed most of my C.S.E’s

But I tell a lie I was rubbish at Maths
and my English grade sank like me in the baths.

Girlfriends weren’t easy for me anyway
my second-hand jumper put me in my place.
I hated the rain and the dinner time disco
the rejection from girls was a painful fiasco
but some girls developed faster than others
and some you just fancied because of their brothers.

Skirts got shorter and bras became fuller
and then somehow school seemed a little less duller
make up and hairspray made them all more appealing
but I stayed at home; my blackheads squeezing.

© Copyright D. Archer October 2011