Small Print about a Small Man

I am short, fat, 45, shit with money and prone to bouts of depression.
I have too many words in my head that keep me awake at night.
I have an imaginary cat called Alan.

I live alone in Barnsley, South Yorkshire, England.
Barnsley is not on Google Maps.
I hate and love Barnsley at the same time.

I like looking at trees.
I like looking at electricity pylons.
I swear a lot.
My cactus is called Seamus.

I like Quentin Blake, Spike Milligan, Tommy Cooper, Tony Hancock, Carry On films.
I wonder why abbreviation is such a long word.
I lost three socks last week. Three!

I am a fan of poetry especially Seamus Heaney, Philip Larkin, Sylvia Plath and Ted Hughes, Anne Sexton, Alan Ginsberg, Simon Armitage and Dylan Thomas.

I write down words that come into my head.
I like long words and short difficult words.

I have more tattoos than I have arms.
I do not profess to be any good at writing poetry.

My favourite word is Dodecahedron.

My favourite mathematical equation is:
f1(x)y(x) + f2(x)y((ax − β)/(x + b)) + f3(x)y((bx + β)/(a − x)) = g(x),    β = a2 + ab + b2.

I like The Smiths, Joy Division, The Jam, John Coltrane, Miles Davis, Theolonious Monk, The Housemartins, The Beautiful South, Echo and the Bunnymen and lots more.

The internet is not big enough to list all my other interests.

I have friends who I can ring at any time of the day or night.

I have a bad back and small feet.

My favourite colour is Black, BLACK! BLACK! BLACK! like my soul! (actually it’s Yellow)

This is not a poem by the way.

Below is a selection of the stuff I do when I’m not writing maudlin verse.
I am really a graphic designer with a passion for illustration and animation. I am currently working on one children’s book. I like drawing my imaginary cat in wacky adventures.

If you like this page you are as daft as I am. I like you.

25 thoughts on “Small Print about a Small Man

      • We were travelling through Yorkshire and as I went to visit a local school my wife went to find a postcard of Barnsley (she collects them). The lady in the shop just laughed and one of the other customers said, “If you want a memento, take her,” pointing to a precocious 5 year old. But really we love Yorkshire – the history etc.
        PS I am a word person too. Nothing better than settling in front of the fire with a good dictionary.

      • Wise words my friend “travelling through” at least you had the option to leave! It is a paradox that love or hate the place we are in our writing is a product of our environment and sometimes my words are although coarse and vulgar are a reflection of the town I love very much. I live here I am allowed to make fun of it, but woe betide anyone who does it if they are not from here with the exception of the Monty Pyhton sketch about coal mining in Barnsley. Dave.

  1. I admire your honesty and I love a Barnsley accent. I can imagine you reading your words in a dead pan grim Northern voice that makes everything sound dark even if it isn’t. Some of your poems are interesting too. You’re very prolific. Keep it up 🙂

    • Actually I talk like Noel Coward. I am not prolific I am typing up my archive of poems I have had in a box for seventeen years. I am about 1/3 the way through. Thanks for your comments. Dave

  2. I love the

    “I wonder why abbreviation is such a long word.”

    I like (love) your wonders and about yous….they are very interesting and honest…thank you for sharing about yourself 🙂

  3. David-
    I’m interested in your tattoos. I have quite a few, myself. Do you have photos of them on here? If not, will we ever get to see them?

    • Thanks for noticing my tattoos, the photo on my blog is quite small. I have three in total, all Japanese inspired, A Hanya mask, a koi and a samurai, all done by tattoo artist Nigel Kurt, he has won a number of awards and never fails to amaze me with his talent. As for photos its quite hard to take them of your own elbow but I can send if you want to see them. Dave.

  4. Just bumbling around checking out your blog after you stumbled across mine… Now I know what to do today. 1. Pull out Bitches Brew and give it a listen. 2. Order that Ted Hughes book that I’ve been meaning to order for months. 3. Give my cacti names.

    • So what you’re saying is the “about” page is the best page, shame about the poetry stuff? It figures. Hope you got round to listening to Miles, I’ve just finished Cooking and Working and am currently enjoying Sketches of Spain while reading Mr Hughes’s “Birthday Letters”. Thanks for your comments and do post what you decide to name your cacti, my latest addition is called Wilson.

      • I have “Birthday Letters”. I love that book. It’s in my bedroom on top of my desk (a position of honor for any book). I have 3 cacti. It’s expecting a bit much of myself to name all 3 of them today, but I have named the squat one. It’s now Dickon after the wild little boy in “The Secret Garden”.

  5. Appreciate your poems,

    I hope you get laid soon, so perhaps your deep pool of wallowing dries up and blows away. Get a real kite and be forced to stare up at the open sky of possibilities.

    Cheers from Seattle…

    • Thanks. I did actually get the title of my blog whilst out flying Kites with my kids, for a brief moment back then I forgot all the self deprecating crap and enjoyed the moment of being a dad and wanting to be a kite. You don’t win a prize for guessing how the name came about.

      I don’t need to get laid either, I’ve already done it twice; what I need to do is stop reading Philip Larkin whilst having my breakfast as this may be setting the tone for my day.

      Seattle would be a good place to fly a kite I suspect, I could run around all day looking for Frasier and one last thing; “Cheers” was set in Boston not Seattle which also had Frasier in it, personally I preferred “NORM!” but my spin-off script idea for him as a superhero crime fighting crosser dressing blind archaeologist didn’t go down too well with the network so they went with the Frasier character instead, shame really as I thought my idea had potential.

  6. I’m on to you: in your gravatar description you said your poetry is mediocre at best; you obviously haven’t read – – you can churn out dollops of heartbreak in an ironic instant;

    I like your tragic poetry the most, and I realise that this is painful and you can’t keep churning it out (and I am happy for you for that); I read a lot of your stuff in 2012 and I will have to go back and revisit it all for my fix; in the meantime YOU are just going to have to go into my ‘others’ page – I’ve been meaning to put you there for awhile but I couldn’t re-find that piece which included someone disappearing behind a frosted glass door: maybe you can help me (that’s how I found ‘Cold Tea …’ by the way, I thought it was a kitchen door) … mediocre, my arse

    • Sir. I apologise for the time you spent reading my poetry throughout 2012. If I can recompense you at say 0.25p per poem for your time I will be happy to send you a postal order. I shall continue to empty my bucketful of mediocrity all over the internet, maybe one day people will pay me to stop putting it there and humanity as a whole will benefit.

      I am honoured that you revisited my blog and thank you for you considered, kind words.

  7. Don’t know how anyone couldn’t like this page! It’s funny stuff. Ha ha! Oh sorry. Not laughing at you. ; )
    Thanks for the attention to my blog.

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