Caught in the firing line

Cause a distraction as you cup and waft
the smell of your dinner from the seat of your pants;
explain how the smell of cabbage and maggots
couldn’t be you as you’ve only had carrots.

Look at your mother with innocent eyes
or point to your sister in a look of surprise;
defend yourself against all accusations
make a nod to the left as you blame a close relation.

Blame your dad who’s sleeping, snoring
ask him how he could be so rude
shake your head in disappointment
and watch the blame drift away from you.

Blame it on the dog, the cat or even on a ghost
blame it on the one who looks disgusted
even more than most;
Grandparents are easy targets
they’re old and it’s expected
they’ll often admit to the terrible stink
if you confuse them with a question.

So release your inner dinner
when the moment is just right
“Who smelled it dealt it”
is a witty response
if you’re caught in the firing line.

So carry on farting in public not secret
blame everyone else nearby seated;
blame the ducks or the floorboards
but don’t blame your mum;
because she’s like the queen
and has never done one.

© Copyright D. Archer October 2011