In order to raise some cash I have gone into Star Wars merchandising and have invented this handy All-In-One artists tool that will instantly help you draw just like Ralph McQuarrie.
No more art classes!
No more life studies!
Just pick up and draw!
If you’ve ever dreamed of becoming a famous concept artist then this is the tool for you.
If you’ve ever dreamed of impressing random strangers in shops then this is the tool for you.
If you’ve ever dreamed about that man or woman that spurned your romantic advances seven years ago then this is the tool for you.
Each “Star Wars Wonder Drawing Sabre Extreme”
is glued together with love and rainbows* (actually asbestos and anthrax) and comes with its own paper* (asbestos) bag.
It weighs ONLY 19.5kg and can be used by children* (Not recommended for children).
Simply “Stab” the tool into the palm of your hand and away you go, the special coating of artist “Rust” will seep into your blood stream and you can just think drawings onto the page.
Due to a slight production error only 17 million of these tools will be produced and it is strictly available on a first come first disappointed basis.
Available from “Chest Infections Direct”; your one stop shop for bulk phlegm!
Words and Pictures © D. Archer. December 2015.
Saucy Post Card
Not many people know this but before Rembrandt Van Rijn was famous for his matchstick men and women paintings he had a nice little earner producing saucy seaside postcards.
In the olden days the pancreas was thought to be where orgasms came from.
Most people couldn’t afford to have a portrait of themselves done for Christmas or to put on a tea-towel or a mug so they would go down to the harbour and wait for Rembrandt to sail past in his boat. Rembrandt would shout out the names of famous footballers (or Soccer players if the peasants looked American) and if the person on the dockside could make a rude anagram out of the name then Rembrandt would come ashore and paint them for free.
In 1985 when Rembrandt died it was estimated that he had been dead for a lot longer.
Rembrandt loved to paint cars and in his spare time he would go to the local car park and tip paint all over the cars that were parked in the disabled bays without a blue badge.
Rembrandt was also the name of my first cat but he couldn’t paint at all he just looked at me funny when I took my trousers off.
I miss that cat.
In 1986 Rembrandt (the artist, not my cat) was still dead. My cat, Rembrandt, strangely enough died in 1987. I didn’t wear any trousers for a whole year as a mark of respect.
I spent 1988 in prison for indecent exposure and it was whilst in Prison that I learned that Rembrandt (the artist, not my cat) was also a great saxophone player and even had a chance to record an album with David Hasselhoff (HasselHoff translated directly from the German/Austrian/Bulgarian dialect actually means “Shrunken-Sperm”).
It was also around this time I was admitted to hospital for what was to be the first of many psychotic episodes. They told me that everything would be OK if I just kept taking my tablets and never ever started a blog on the internet.
Are you still reading this?
Words © D. Archer. Pictures by RVJ.
The Uxbridge English Dictionary is designed to clear up misunderstandings surrounding the actual meaning of words commonly found in the English Language.
For example: PROPAGANDA – to stare at an object intently.
You get the idea.
I am getting rather bored of reading existential Haikus recently (which I feel I must point out to at least two thirds of the internet is traditionally a three-line poem with seventeen syllables, written in a 5/7/5 syllable count!) so I’ve decided to revive the good old fashioned limerick. If the format was good enough for Isaac “Lamb Chops” Asimov then it’s good enough for me! I know it has rude words in it like “Lyme Regis” and “Vicar” but I’m pushing the envelope here, don’t try and hold me back man!
For the geographically challenged, Lyme Regis is a town on the south coast of England just in case you have a hankering to go looking for the afore mentioned Vicar. GOD on the other hand lives in Yorkshire.
Artwork and Limerick © D. Archer. September 2013.
© D. Archer 2013. August 2013
Some words just go together quite wonderfully. Another linocut, I need to calm down as I’m getting quite prolific at this art stuff.
© David Archer. June 2013
OK people, you know the drill, pseudo sentimentality season is almost upon us, if we all join together in fighting this non stop commercial day of heart bleating soppyness we can get through the hours and get back to being our own lonesome selves.
You have been warned!
Image Copyright D. Archer. February 2013.
God created shin bones
for finding coffee tables
in the dark;
God created the universe
just so you
could hold my heart.
He also created Knee caps
for finding Lego bricks
in the carpet;
Yet his master stroke
above all creation
was placing you
where my heart is.
© Copyright D. Archer October 2011
Your mum was expecting lemon buns
but you made shortbread instead;
worse still you bunked off with two slices
and crumb filled your bed;
So, always bake buns not shortbread
when by your mum you’re asked
they’re tastier, easier and finally
they’re a favourite of your dads’.
© Copyright D. Archer October 2011