A poem about Nits

Munich_Boy_01

More fun with vectors in Adobe Illustrator. Words and Pictures © D. Archer. January 2016.

Rembrandt Van Rijn

Not many people know this but before Rembrandt Van Rijn was famous for his matchstick men and women paintings he had a nice little earner producing saucy seaside postcards.

In the olden days the pancreas was thought to be where orgasms came from.

Most people couldn’t afford to have a portrait of themselves done for Christmas or to put on a tea-towel or a mug so they would go down to the harbour and wait for Rembrandt to sail past in his boat. Rembrandt would shout out the names of famous footballers (or Soccer players if the peasants looked American) and if the person on the dockside could make a rude anagram out of the name then Rembrandt would come ashore and paint them for free.

In 1985 when Rembrandt died it was estimated that he had been dead for a lot longer.

Rembrandt loved to paint cars and in his spare time he would go to the local car park and tip paint all over the cars that were parked in the disabled bays without a blue badge.

Rembrandt was also the name of my first cat but he couldn’t paint at all he just looked at me funny when I took my trousers off.

I miss that cat.

In 1986 Rembrandt (the artist, not my cat) was still dead. My cat, Rembrandt, strangely enough died in 1987. I didn’t wear any trousers for a whole year as a mark of respect.

I spent 1988 in prison for  indecent exposure and it was whilst in Prison that I learned that Rembrandt (the artist, not my cat) was also a great saxophone player and even had a chance to record an album with David Hasselhoff (HasselHoff translated directly from the German/Austrian/Bulgarian dialect actually means “Shrunken-Sperm”). 

It was also around this time I was admitted to hospital for what was to be the first of many psychotic episodes. They told me that everything would be OK if I just kept taking my tablets and never ever started a blog on the internet.

Are you still reading this?

Words © D. Archer. Pictures by RVJ.

The Barnsley Crummicle

 

Barnsley_Crummicle_01

In order to raise some cash I have launched my own newspaper. The Barnsley Crummicle.

It will use long words and short difficult words!

It will be a quality, hourly, newspaper with hard edged, cutting, front line, dynamic reportage articles in black and white with colour photographs! It will be available to the 17 million homes in Barnsley FREE of charge for the first 17 million issues.

In future episodes I will personally tackle hard cutting edge topics such as:

  • Why do you never see baby pigeons?
  • What happened to that man who used to cross the road outside that shop that closed down two years ago?
  • Why am I so lonely?
  • What’s that smell in my fridge?

These and other topics are sure to bring the advertising flooding in, you could be on the ground floor. Why not advertise your unwanted wedding presents or grandparents in the next exciting, hard, cutting edged edition of The Barnsley Crummicle.

Words but not the photograph © D. Archer. November 2015

Uxbridge English Dictionary

The Uxbridge English Dictionary is designed to clear up misunderstandings surrounding the actual meaning of words commonly found in the English Language.

For example: PROPAGANDAto stare at an object intently.

You get the idea.

Dave.

The Morrissey the More I forget!

The trouble with
This Charming Man when
trying to write poetry
listening to your iPod
at the same time

is that there is no Joy
Division in the New Order
of The Beautiful South;

The Morrissey
the more I forget
all my Stevie Wonder thoughts
come to nought;

I feel like The Jam on
a Jimmy Cliff sandwich;
my words Wither like Bill;
tears Weller in my eyes like Paul;

If I knew The Cure
I would Johnny Cash in all
my words
for one minute
with or without
U2.

© Copyright D. Archer October 2011 

This poem is also called “The curse of trying to write Poetry when listening to your iPod at the same time”, it’s like a driving your car and trying to do your ironing at the same time, impossible for me anyway..