God created Lego

God created shin bones
for finding coffee tables
in the dark;

God created the universe
just so you
could hold my heart.

He also created Knee caps
for finding Lego bricks
in the carpet;

Yet his master stroke
above all creation
was placing you
where my heart is.

© Copyright D. Archer October 2011 

The Sixty Second Rule

I am not the moral majority
neither right nor left;
I am a father of two who
writes nonsense poems
about cats, chickens,
manic depression and death;

Do not censor your work
it is cathartic for your soul;
censor received comments
their gilded nature and their
sycophantic silver-tongued tone.

© Copyright D. Archer October 2011 

Please read my warning page and “He owns a Thesaurus and a knife” Thank you.

Shortbread instead

Your mum was expecting lemon buns
but you made shortbread instead;
worse still you bunked off with two slices
and crumb filled your bed;

So, always bake buns not shortbread
when by your mum you’re asked
they’re tastier, easier and finally
they’re a favourite of your dads’.

© Copyright D. Archer October 2011 

Frank takes a chance

I am going to the supermarket
to meet my future wife;
maybe we’ll meet in the frozen section
or when we reach for the same bag of rice.

I am going to smile at people
and speak to those
who speak back;

Frank, I am ging to look forward
and everyday take a chance.


© Copyright D. Archer October 2011

A friend who died recently believed in reincarnation, he lost his first wife and son in childbirth and thought he would never love again. He often spoke how he would like to return as typewriter that he may spend his days writing love letters to his wife.

He also believed that the universe combined to put his second wife in the supermarket at the exact time of day when he ran out of milk. They spoke about the last bottle on the shelf and they never stopped talking until he passed away recently. 


Nothing but You

I can’t think of anything
because I’m constantly thinking of you;

I can’t do anything
because I’m constantly thinking of you;

And I certainly can’t think of loving
if it means loving anyone
but you.

© Copyright D. Archer October 2011

The Inverted Learning Game

Do your homework upside down,
let the blood flood your brain,
not your feet on the ground.

Standing on your head in class
will confuse your teacher
but your improvement in geography
is surely bound to please her.

Tell your friends to do the same
and try the inverted learning game
stand on your heads in science and maths
but give it a miss in the swimming baths!

Don’t get carried away at mealtimes either,
eating upside down can interfere with your breathing,
You’ll choke on your sausages,
You’ll snot out baked beans,
and trying to eat custard is really obscene.

So master your talent for inverted learning
by dangling your head out of bed every morning,
your French will get better,
your German improve…
just remember to stand up
before you go to the loo!

© Copyright D. Archer October 2011

The boy with 100 teeth

“Brush you teeth”, his mother said
“or you’ll only have normal ones in your head”
Colin was scared so he kept on brushing
night and day, mouthwash; flossing.

Colin did as he was asked
and brushed his teeth as sharp as tacks
and as his teeth got so much brighter
he noticed his gums got so much wider
and instead of an old one falling out
in the corner of his mouth
a new one would sprout.

For many weeks they continued to grow
at a rate that confused his dentist so.
“Colin” he asked “do you eat snacks?”
“Oh yes” said Colin “but only dentists” he laughed.
The dentist ran his finger along tooth and gum
“Your mouth is wider than anyone!”
He counted the teeth from back to front
“97…98…99…plus one”
“Instead of your teeth falling out
it appears a new set you seem to sprout”

Colin smiled his toothy grin
his dentist paused; not sure where to begin
“Doesn’t it hurt 100 teeth?”
“not really” said Colin, “If you keep them clean”
His dentist went crazy, “you must be mad”
“Not me” said Colin, “You should see my Dad!”
and from his pocket a photograph pulled
“Five hundred teeth and one set of gums!”
“Now that’s what I call a nice set of choppers,
too many for a kid but not for a monster”
and with one bite the dentist disappeared
and Colin smiled from ear to ear.

© Copyright D. Archer October 2011

Eat your Greens

Martin picks his nose
with a pencil or his thumb
he stores the bogeys
inside his books
in case he’s peckish after lunch;

He rolls them into tiny balls
and keeps them under his tongue,
if you see him smiling at the back of the class
it must be a really big one;

He also discovered if he banged his head
that tiny bits would fall out,
and he’d scoop them up like a hamster
and store them in his mouth;

Bu the bogeys got bigger
and more chewy in texture
the more he picked
the less he could remember;
then one day he forgot his name
and he realised the bogeys
were really his brain.

Then when his wrist
went up his nostril quite easy
he suddenly felt quite pale and queasy;
so he stopped this vile habit
on the advice of his mum
and now smells his fingers
after scratching his bum.

© Copyright D. Archer October 2011


When I am gone
heed these words
I do not want to be buried
in the cold with the worms.

Set me on fire
that my soul may fly,
and remember when I made you laugh
not when I made you cry.

Remember me
fat and happy,
caught off guard in photographs,
remember impoverished holidays
and shoes spilling from carrier bags.

Stand tall, tearless,
no broken voice should read these words;
pick a moment when I made you smile
and not the moment
I left this world.

© Copyright D. Archer October 2011