New Magazine Published

Car-PArking-Monthly

In order to raise some cash I have launched a new and exciting magazine about every available car parking space in and around South Yorkshire, cryptically entitled “Car Parking Spaces Monthly” the 700 page magazine will focus on issues concerning the modern car parking space enthusiast.

The first issue comes with a free headache and is available from  – “Chest Infections Direct”Your one stop shop for bulk phlegm!

Words and nonsense © D. Archer/ December 2015

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New Poetry Collection

Adolf-U-Boat-Poetry_01

In order to raise some cash I have gone into the exciting world of paper book publishing.

For my first venture I have teamed up with the esoteric poet and performance artist Adolf Von U-Boat.

This poem entitled “Black clouds over Berlin” was written in 2014.

I once saw a girl from Skegness
In various states of undress
as she sat on the beach
the sight of her peach
set my pacemaker off in distress.

Adolf was born in Barnsley in 1946 shortly after his parents arrived from Germany. His mother (also called Adolf) died of shock at seeing Barnsley Markets in 1947 and young Adolf was brought up under the wrathful gaze of his father Heinrich.

Adolf’s early life in Barnsley was difficult to say the least, his left-handedness and film star good looks made him an easy target on the mean streets of Smithies. Locked away in his bedroom Adolf dreamed of being a writer and so he learned to write as this was a valuable skill in becoming a writer.

Then he became a priest and other stuff happened to him.

Only now have his 17 million poems been discovered in his attic and Volume One is available to buy from all good bookshops (but not on-line, Adolf thinks the Internet is run by a team of secret Leprechauns that steal your fingernails when you are asleep)

Words and pictures © D. Archer. December 2015.

Art in my local park

A beautiful autumn afternoon and I have been out for a wander with my phone camera. Most of these were taken in my local park (Locke Park, Barnsley) apart from the two churches which were on my wanderings. through the centre of town.

Photographs © D.Archer. October 2015.

 

Another day closer to death

I am currently lamenting the loss of my beloved Cannon Camera. These were taken on my phone from my recent travels, they are a combination of Yorkshire Sculpture Park, Scotland, Northern College and Locke Park which is in tarn near weir are live (he says; adopting local lumpen pole dialect).

I have tried to capture just how bad I am at photography in every single shot and I am quite pleased to report that I have exceeded my expectations yet again.

If I could be bothered I would upload more but I can’t so I won’t. Now if you will excuse me I have lots of things to do such as washing my lightbulbs, combing my bathroom carpet for Silverfish, organising the ice in my freezer, alphabetizing the dust on my stereo, answering the door at random intervals and lots less besides.

I don’t have all day to sit around waiting to validate my existence by the number of likes I get from random strangers who have nothing better to do than trawl around WordPress when they should be out doing more interesting things with their lives. Shame on you people.

Now, where did I put my life?

Vive Le Tarn!

Vive Le Tour! Vive Le Tarn!

The Tour De Yorkshar (Phonetically if not culturally correct) swept through “Tarn” at a blistering cost to the tax payer. Newly paved roads and streets marshalled to keep smack heads and chavs on the side streets paid off wonderfully. I got myself in position early only to have a tall bald bloke muscle right in front of me at the last minute. Wouldn’t have minded if it was Dave Brailsford but it wasn’t. I swiftly pretended to rummage in his rucksack and he moved away, Huzzaahh.

I perched myself near the corner at the top of Regents street as I thought I would capture the event as the riders slowed down in front of the tarn ‘all but alas I would have had more success if I had been using an 1898 plate glass Pin hole camera on a tripod that weighed as much as an urchin!

38 seconds after the last picture was taken I left, cursing my lack of photography skills but it was indeed nice to see some sporting culture rattle through tarn and not something vaguely connected to coal, or the pits, or the miners, or soot, or the fact that we have one of the most transitory low paid workforces in the country or child poverty or NEDS or racism or grassball (or whatever it is they call it).

If you were the mystery waving hand in the last photo please get in touch.

Ta Ra frum Tarn!

© David Archer
Cultural Attaché for Tarn.
May 2015.

Walking

Recent photographs taken in and around my local area, I’ve recently rediscovered my interest in Photography. Please note the camera is not to blame only the operator for any naff-ness in technical accuracy. Just a good job these are all digital as the disappointment in having them printed properly would have been devastating as well as expensive.

All images © D.Archer March 2014.

Mr Fifties’ Lewd Limerick

Happy

I am getting rather bored of reading existential Haikus recently (which I feel I must point out to at least two thirds of the internet is traditionally a three-line poem with seventeen syllables, written in a 5/7/5 syllable count!) so I’ve decided to revive the good old fashioned limerick. If the format was good enough for Isaac “Lamb Chops” Asimov then it’s good enough for me! I know it has rude words in it like “Lyme Regis” and “Vicar” but I’m pushing the envelope here, don’t try and hold me back man!

For the geographically challenged, Lyme Regis is a town on the south coast of England just in case you have a hankering to go looking for the afore mentioned Vicar. GOD on the other hand lives in Yorkshire.

Artwork and Limerick © D. Archer. September 2013.