The Barnsley Crummicle



In order to raise some cash I have launched my own newspaper. The Barnsley Crummicle.

It will use long words and short difficult words!

It will be a quality, hourly, newspaper with hard edged, cutting, front line, dynamic reportage articles in black and white with colour photographs! It will be available to the 17 million homes in Barnsley FREE of charge for the first 17 million issues.

In future episodes I will personally tackle hard cutting edge topics such as:

  • Why do you never see baby pigeons?
  • What happened to that man who used to cross the road outside that shop that closed down two years ago?
  • Why am I so lonely?
  • What’s that smell in my fridge?

These and other topics are sure to bring the advertising flooding in, you could be on the ground floor. Why not advertise your unwanted wedding presents or grandparents in the next exciting, hard, cutting edged edition of The Barnsley Crummicle.

Words but not the photograph © D. Archer. November 2015

Apathy T-Shirts


In order to raise some cash I have produced a limited edition printed T-Shirt.

17 million of these are available at £75 each.

Order on-line now.

Words and Pictures © D. Archer. November 2015.

Barnsley versus Google

Barnsley Poster

In order to raise some cash I have taken on the role of Cultural Attaché for my home town. I have been out and about with my camera and produced my first piece of advertising. 17 million copies will soon be distributed throughout the local area. The dispute with Google Maps is now resolved and finally my town can look forward to the year 1983 with hope and dreamy eyed ambition. The future is bright! The future is coal coloured.

And here lies the paradox. Barnsley is much more than the sum of its pregnant teenagers. Barnsley is my home town. I am from Barnsley, born and bred. This gives me the undeniable right to slag it off mercilessly but I will not be impressed if anyone else has a pop at it.

Words and Pictures © D. Archer. November 2015


Wendy Spangler


I’m afraid due to legal reasons we are not allowed to show the picture of the lion in the middle frame. His lawyers have made it perfectly clear that any further pictures of him appearing on this blog without his written permission will result in immediate legal action.

Words and remaining pictures © D. Archer. November 2015


Model Poses for Artists


In order to raise some cash I have produced a set of highly detailed model head shots for budding artists to work from. Not only are they cheaper than hiring a real human being model but they don’t complain about living wages or back ache or the cold or…….

You will never need to steal from the internet ever again as each unique set comes with a variety of expressions that will add depth and life to your next illustration, bringing that next commission ever closer and recognition from your peers and even dead artists:

Rembrandt will shout from beyond the grave “Bugger me, that’s chuffin lifelike!”.

The girl who spurned your attentions in school will look you up on FaceBonk and want to engage in moist activities when it’s not raining.

That man who pushed in front of you in the supermarket last week will suddenly realise his whole life has been a waste and if he wants to cross dress at the weekend then his boss and wife should let him.

Remember that awful incident in the bus station! I know I do! Never again will you have to travel by bus if you buy these model head shots. People will stare at you for all the right reasons.

Cats and dogs will flock to you like sheep and sheep will flock to you like sheep because you have the power over anatomy.

Never again will it look like all your models features have slipped to the top right hand corner of their face in an attempt to get away from you.

I categorically decree that if you buy these model head shots then your life will in some way shape or form have been extended for at least the time it takes you to read this.

Chances like this don’t come along with the Fishmonger, these model head shots will not only make you look taller but you can also stop relying on creams and potions to enhance your performance in the dark.

Buy now before they are all sold out!

I told you buy them.

They are all sold out now, every one.

All your friends and colleagues have a copy and you don’t. You’re going to look pretty foolish in the office tomorrow morning, I’d have a day off to let the embarrassment factor blow over. Go visit the park or the nice woman who feeds wood to children. Telephone your aunt and apologize for that stain you left on her bathroom carpet. Why not stay in bed all day and listen to the sound of your youth slipping away. Have a small orange.

Remember what I said at the beginning of this article?
Neither do I.

These model heads will physically make every drawing you ever do in the future win you a prize in any drawing competition you dare to enter, even the posh ones that offer money prizes not them competitions for poor people where the top prize is a copy of your own drawing published in a book that you have to buy.

These model heads are the secrets like what professional artists don’t want you to know about, this is the inside track to the sex, drugs and rock and roll lifestyle that only Hospital Radio DJ’s dream about. It’s true, I knew a hospital DJ once and he said he wished he had these model heads when he was learning to drive a lorry but he said he only had a picture of his best friend wearing a chimpanzee suit that had some holes in inappropriate places. He said he wished he had known about these model head shots before last week when he sold his Kidneys to that man behind the shop. He was well upset.

So the moral of this tale is don’t end up without any kidneys, buy these model head shots instead.

Thanks for listening or reading or both or neither.

Words and pictures copyright D. Archer. November 2015.